How I Came to Bhagavan
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by Muruganar and Meenakshi Ammal, his wife
Muruganar is well known as one of the leading disciples of Ramana Maharshi, but his early life at the Ashram was marked by both spiritual and personal turbulence. We are presenting two accounts of these early years, the first written by Muruganar, and the second by Meenakshi Ammal, his wife. Muruganar's account was written in February 1930 and was translated into English by B. V. Narasimha Swamy. Meenakshi Ammal's account was not written until 1972, and the passage of time may have affected her memory a little. On those matters which can be checked we have discovered one or two minor errors of fact, such as the wrong name of her husband's school and incorrect recollection of the first book on Ramana Maharshi which was given to Muruganar, but there is little doubt that the essence of the account is substantially correct. Meenakshi Ammal's account had been translated by Narasimha Iyer, and the two questions from Muruganar's works have been translated by Professor K. Swaminathan. -- (EDlTOR).
MURUGANAR'S ACCOUNT
I have known Maharshigal since 1923. I had heard of him as a daring person who left home in his youth and lived a hermit's life at Tiruvannamalai with severe penances. Manager Aiyasami Pillai came with my father-in-law to Madras and saw my nationalistic Tamil poems and said they were good and should be taken to the notice of Sri Ramana Maharshigal at Tiruvannamalai as he was interested in such literature, and his blessings would develop my muse and ease the further flow of such poetry. I read Maharshi's "Aksharamanamalai", but read it with a mere literary eye. Aiyasami Pillai invited me to visit the Maharshi. After persuading my mother with some difficulty, I got her permission and came here (Tiruvannamalai) in Michaelmas of 1923. On my way to Tiruvannamalai, I composed ten Tamil stanzas on the Maharshi. One of these was a query to the Maharshi asking him what he had done for national uplift, a thought which was uppermost in my mind then. The verse ran, "Don't you know how many spiritual leaders with one voice summon us to patriotic service? What have you done to help this cause?"1
lA fuller account of Muruganar's first visit to Bhagavan can be found in The Mountain Path, October 1973, p. 202. On his arrival in Tiruvannamalai, Muruganar went straight to the Arunachala temple, and after bowing to the image of Arunachaleswar, composed eleven verses in praise of Bhagavan. Extracts from these verses are printed in the aforementioned article. These verses are full of devotion to Bhagavan, and it is strange that Muruganar should refer to the only secular verse in the collection, for it is clear from the verses that he already regarded himself as an ardent devotee of Bhagavan.
Two or three days after my arrival I was given some medicine. I do not know what it was, but it excited me and overpowered me. I sat in front of the Maharshi and concentrated my mind on his person. After a few minutes I had a vision of brightness. It was a suffused brightness all over his body and around it. The body was, however, distinct from the surrounding light. How long it lasted, I personally do not know, so wholly lost was I in contemplating the vision. Kunju Swami, Dandapani Swami and Arunachala Swami were present while this was going on. Maharshi then appeared to me as Christ, for what reason I cannot say, and again as Mohammad and other
great souls for similarly inexplicable reasons. I lost my former personality during this period for it was submerged and lost in a huge ocean wave of a new state of spirituality. I was feeling that all my experience was dream-like vague and insubstantial, mysterious in spite of the feeling that I was still in a waking condition. I was obsessed by this fear that my former worldly waking state was being smothered my former self plundered of its sense of reality and individuality. I felt as a consequence I might be perpetually held down to this strange life in Tiruvannamalai and be forever lost to my mother whose sole support I was. So I bawled out some words to this effect: "Here are a band of robbers called siddhas at whose head is this Ramana Maharshi. They are all intent on capturing souls who approach them in the waking condition and rapidly charming them into this mysterious siddha's sort of life and adding them to their group. As it would not be within the power of my mother or anyone else to see me or take me back from their iron clutch, I must start off from here at once," I also added, looking at this bright dazzling figure of Maharshi and addressing him: "So here I am, unable even for a few moments to endure this light. How wonderful it is that a woman, your mother, should have carried you in her womb for nine long months." In this high-strung state. and in this unique strain, 1 went on haranguing for over an hour, punctuating it by repeated prostrations to Maharshi. After that. I wandered about here and there with Kunju Swami and Arunachala Swami, mostly around Palitheertham and the Chengam Road until 3 a.m. I felt that all attempts to escape from the Ashram were futile, as the whole of Tiruvannamalai was giving me the same oppressive feeling, submerging my persona lity, and that Tiruvannamalai and the Maharshi were co-extensive and synonymous.
A few days later, during the same trip to Tiruvannamalai, when I had no medicine to excite me, I again sat before the Maharshi and had a similar experience. Once again, the figure of the Maharshi became brilliant, and my sense of personality was again submerged. Again my fears were roused that should I continue in his presence longer, I should be lost to my mother. So at midnight, I hurried from the Ashram into the town and spent the night in the house of one of my pupils. This was probably in the Christmas vacation of 1923-24.
I brought my mother in 1924, around the time of Sivaratri, to see the Maharshi and she had a good reception. I had begun the habit of meditation, and my meditation was mostly niramabalam and not personal.
In the succeeding months I came to visit on many occasions. I used to listen to people's queries to the Maharshi and his replies to them. I was gradually influenced by him and my outlook on life was getting altered, After my mother died in 1924, I left my job in July 1926 and I came to Tiruvannamalai, making it my permanent residence in the middle of 1926. I have continued here ever since, coming daily under the Maharshi's influence, and I have now written over a thousand verses about him.
SRIMATHI MEENAKSHI MURUGANAR ON HERSELF
I was born the sixth daughter of Sri Periyakulam Krishna Iyer and Kanakammal on the fourth day of Panguni month, Saleevagna Sahabdha, 1823 (17-3-1902). My parents and elders called me Meenakshi. I was happy with my parents.
When I was eleven years old, somebody told my father that there was a good boy named Subramanian in Ramanathapuram who was available for marriage. His parents were Sri Krishnamurthy Iyer and Srimathi Subbalakshmi Ammal. My father went there and talked with them about giving me in marriage to their son, and this was accepted. My marriage took place in the Melmangalam village near Periyakulam and was celebrated for five days on a grand scale. My husband was a tutor to the third Rani's mother in Ramanathapuram palace. After my marriage, he served as Tamil vidvan in Thiruvanamalai Nayakkar Mahal, Madurai. Then we left that place, came to Rayapuram and settled in Kollava Agraharam. My husband became Tamil pandit in Northwick School, Rayapuram.
In the meantime, my father took sannyasa and became one of the leading devotees of Sri Ramana Bhagavan. (The father's name was Dandapani Swami). Later, my father went to Palani with Bhagavan's permission, constructed an ashram in South Giri Street, and lived there for some time. While he was there he came to our house in Rayapuram. During his visit, he gave a copy of Aksharamanamalai (The Marital Garland of Letters) to my husband. My husband went through them and after four days informed me that he was going to Thiruk kazhi Kunram. However, instead, he went straight to Tiruvannamalai.
When he saw Bhagavan, he felt that his whole body was burning. He wept and cried out complaining of a burning sensation without knowing what it was. The attendants around Bhagavan thought that he was mad. One attendant, Sri Ramakrishna Swami rubbed lemon juice on his head and poured pots of water over him. He stayed there for several days doing tapas and having Bhagavan's darshan. Then he returned to Madras and his job, but he had little interest in his work.
Then he began to go to Tiruvannamalai on all Saturdays and Sundays for one year. After my mother-in-Iaw's first annual ceremony, and without informing me, he resigned his job and went to Ramanathapuram. My neighbours telegrammed to my brother about my problem and he came to see me. Both of us went to the school and met the headmistress who was an English lady She said that he had resigned his job and left. I began to weep and she consoled me by saying that God would help me.
Then I went to Ramanathapuram with my brother and Muruganar came to visit us the night we arrived. I held his feet and wept. I requested him to point out my faults if any that made him leave me alone. He gave me no reply. Then I went to Raghava Iyengar, a great Tamil scholar in the town and told him about my troubles. Raghava talked to my husband but his words had no effect.
Then Sri Muruganar left for Tiruvannamalai, and after ten days, I also went there. Santhammal also came to the Ashram. I told all my sufferings to Bhagavan and wept and Bhagavan consoled me. I stayed in the Ashram for six months. At that time the Ashram was very small; Chinnaswami, Bhagavan, Palani Swami, Ramakrishna Swami, and Dandapani Swami used to cook. I helped them in the kitchen and it was a very happy time for me.
Daily Bhagavan used to give me ten verses from Muruganar's works and instructed me to recite them to him the following day. I did it regularly. Sometimes I helped Bhagavan in grinding iddlies etc. Once a week Bhagavan used to go around the hill with Kunju Swami, Dandapani Swami, Ramakrishna Swami, Santhammal and others. I also used to accompany them. We used to recite "Aksharamanamalai" during our pradakshina.
Bhagavan never allowed anyone to be idle. All disciples used to sit in meditation with closed eyes in the hall. I did not know how to meditate, and when I mentioned this to Bhagavan, he taught me how to do it. One day I came to the hall with my hair full of flowers and bowed before Bhagavan. Santhammal saw my decorations and said "Your husband has become a sannyasi, why do you dress up like this? "1 After hearing this, I removed the flowers and I went up to Bhagavan weeping and bowed down before him. He noticed me and asked, "Why did you remove all your decorations?" I said I that it was on the advice of Santhammal. Immediately, Bhagavan called Santhammal and I asked, "Why, has she no husband? Why should she not decorate herself if she wants to? When anyone comes to the Ashram and takes a ladle in their hand, they immediately think that they are wonderful.2 While I was trying to pacify her, you have hurt her heart."
[1 It is traditional for widows and wives of sannyasis not to dress themselves up in any way.]
[2 Santhammal was the Ashram cook.]
On one occasion, while others were doing meditation, I was more interested in some coffee which was due to be served. Bhagavan noticed me, laughed and said: "Everyone is doing meditation on the Self, but Meenakshi is doing coffee meditation." At that moment Saranagathi Ramaswami Iyer who came in a bullock cart entered the hall with coffee and iddlies and Bhagavan asked him to serve me first.
Muruganar stayed near the temple in town with Eswaraswamigal and Gopal Rao. They used to go begging for their food at noon. Muruganar used to sit alone in Subramaniya Temple in the evening. One evening, acting on Santhammal's advice, I caught hold of his feet and asked, "What mistake have I done? Why did you leave? What will be my future? " In response he opened neither his mouth nor his eyes.
Soon after this incident; someone brought a piece of verse to the hall and put it before Bhagavan. Bhagavan wanted Muruganar to read it and said: "Muruganar has been absent for the last two days. What is the reason? " In response to this I went to Bhagavan and told him what I did at the temple on Santhammal's advice. Bhagavan got angry with me and said, "Why did you act like that on that woman's advice. You see, while he was here, you could see your husband. But now he has disappeared, what will you do? Hereafter, don't take other's advice and don't give trouble to Muruganar."
Then he asked Viswanatha Swami, and Ramakrishna Swami to search for Muruganar and bring him back. They found him in Skandashram and brought him back to the Ashram telling him that Meenakshi had gone to her village. He came and sat by the side of Bhagavan and I went before Bhagavan and did namaskaram. Then Bhagavan asked Muruganar why he had run away instead of advising her to do some meditation. Muruganar remained silent.
Then Bhagavan picked up a book. I was sitting in a corner and he called to me to come near him. "Meenakshi, come here, there is a story in this book, I shall read it to you. Listen. Once a husband and wife lived happily for some time. One day her husband disappeared with out telling anybody. Many years passed but she could not find him. Eventually she joined a hospital as a nurse. In the same hospital, her husband was also working as head compounder, but they did not recognise each other. After some time they became close friends and the nurse became pregnant. When her mother came to help her, he saw her and realised that his present wife was the same one whom he had earlier deserted. " After finishing the story Bhagavan asked, "Why don't you act like her? " and everyone in the hall laughed, including me.
One day, all the devotees were sitting in the hall. I was in tears again. Bhagavan asked me. "Why are you crying again? Did some body tease you?" I said, "No one talked against me but I thought of my miserable life and the tears just came." Bhagavan said, "Why don't you take my advice? What is there in the family life. See, your father has ten children, but they are not helping him. What is the use? I am always here with you. Nothing will happen, don't worry." Thus Bhagavan consoled me. He said, "Go only to the house who calls you affectionately, Meenakshi '. The Ashram will take care of you."
Another day he called me 'Meenakshi' and gave me ten verses by Muruganar to memorise. In these verses he describes Bhagavan as his bridegroom with Muruganar being his bride. He complains that Ramana has left the bride in the streets after marriage without proper care. The verses are Nayaki Nayakabava. The verse says, "You were once with me my wedded Lord, but now for a long time you have abandoned me. And if I complain, you call our old friendship a dream that I had dreamt." In the version given to me, Bhagavan changed the last line, changing Ramana moyavane to Muruga maya vane. He then asked me to recite these verses in the hall in the evening while Muruganar was there.
I sang these ten verses in the hall while Muruganar was sitting by the side of Bhagavan. Bhagavan then told Muruganar that he has not left him in the streets, but Muruganar has left Meenakshi in the streets. Muruganar got up laughing, but Bhagavan asked him to give a reply before getting up, but he went away without saying anything.
Then Bhagavan said, "I tried in so, many ways. It is of no use. God alone will look after you. "
Bhagavan was very kind to me.
His grace must be with me forever .....
from The Mountain Path
Sri Ramanarpanamastu