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INTRODUCTION
BY T. K. SUNDARESA IYER
`A LIFETIME WITH BHAGAVAN'
IN 1908, when I was 12 years old, Bhagavan was still inVirupaksha Cave. My cousin, Krishnamurthy, used
to go to Bhagavan every day and sing songs of devotion
and worship before him. One day I asked him where he
went daily. He told me: "The Lord of the Hill Himself
is sitting there in human form. Why don't you come
with me?" I too climbed the hill and found Bhagavan
sitting on a stone slab, with about ten devotees around
him. Each would sing a song. Bhagavan turned to me
and asked, "Well, won't you sing a song?" One of
Sundaramurthy's songs came to my mind and I sang it.
It's meaning was: "No other support I have except Thy
Holy Feet. By holding on to them, I shall win your
grace. Great men sing your praise, Oh Lord. Grant that
my tongue may repeat Thy Name even when my mind
strays." "Yes, that is what must be done," said Bhagavan,
and I took it to be his teaching for me. From that time
on I went to him regularly for several years, never missing
a day.
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One day I wondered why I was visiting him at all.
What was the use? There seemed to be no inner
advancement. Going up the hill was meaningless toil. I
decided to end my visits on the hill. For one hundred
days exactly I did not see Bhagavan. On the hundred and
first day I could suffer no longer and ran to Skandasramam,
above Virupaksha Cave. Bhagavan saw me climbing, got
up and came forward to meet me. When I fell at his feet,
I could not restrain myself and burst out in tears. I clung
to them and would not get up. Bhagavan pulled me up
and asked: "It is over three months since I saw you. Where
were you?" I told him how I thought that seeing him was
of no use. "All right," he said, "maybe it is of no use, so
what? You felt the loss, did you not?" Then I understood
that we did not go to him for profit, but because away
from him there was no life for us.
Whenever I went up the hill to see Bhagavan, I used
to buy something to eat and take it with me as an offering.
One day I had no money. I stood before Bhagavan in a
dejected mood and said: "This poor man has brought
nothing." Bhagavan looked at me enquiringly and
remarked: "Why you brought the main thing. All else is
unimportant." I wondered, not knowing what I brought.
"Don't you understand? You brought yourself," laughed
Bhagavan!
Years passed. I was married and led a well-ordered
family life as laid down in the scriptures, studying the
Vedas, worshipping ancestors and deities in the prescribed
way, and feeding the five kinds of living beings. I was
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associated with political and religious activities and used
to go from village to village teaching the Periya Puranam;
but I would find time to visit Bhagavan quite often.
About 1920 Kavyakantha Ganapati Muni came to
reside at Tiruvannamalai. Everyone used to address him
as `Nayana' (father). He was already a dear disciple of
Bhagavan. He became the president of the Tiruvannamalai
Town Congress Committee. From my early days I was in
Tilak's movement and did not see much future in Mahatma
Gandhi's programme. One day I said to Nayana: "I do
not expect much from political activities; without God's
grace no action will prosper. To ask for grace is our main
task. People like you, who are blessed with grace in
abundance, should use your spiritual powers for the uplift
of the world and liberation of the country and not waste
your time on speeches." He liked the idea and asked me
to stay with him and pray to God for grace. He made me
study the Vedas and taught me verses from the Rig-Veda,
with their meaning. Mahendra Societies were started all
over India and I was made the General Secretary. Their
object was to win freedom for our country by purely
devotional means, like rituals, prayers, and personal and
collective penance. We managed to register about ten
thousand members.
Nayana mainly stayed in the Mango Tree Cave on
Arunachala and used to visit Bhagavan off and on. Nayana
used to discuss shastras with him and get his doubts cleared.
He was a mighty scholar, while Bhagavan was just literate,
yet he would say: "Without Bhagavan's grace, the
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intricacies of the scriptures are beyond one's power of
understanding. One word from him makes everything
clear." When Nayana would see someone sitting in front
of Bhagavan, meditating with his eyes closed, he would
scold the devotee, saying: "When the Sun is shining in
front of you, why do you need to close your eyes? Are you
serious or do you want only to show what a pious fellow
you are?" Those were happy days indeed, and I was blessed
with many visions of deities and divinities.
At Skandasramam a peacock would follow Bhagavan
everywhere. One day a huge black cobra appeared in the
Ashram and the peacock attacked it fiercely. The cobra
spread its hood and the two natural enemies were poised
for a fight to the death, when Bhagavan came quite near
the cobra and said: "Why did you come here? That peacock
will kill you. Better go away at once." The cobra
immediately lowered its hood and slithered away.
In 1929 I got tired of the relative shapelessness of my
inner life and asked Bhagavan to give me some clear
instructions as to what direction I should proceed in my
spiritual practice. He gave me Kaivalyam to read and
explained to me the inner meaning of some sacred verses.
From that time on I gave myself completely to spiritual
life. I did my duty at school and supported my family, just
as something that had to be done, but it was of no
importance to me. It was wonderful how I could keep so
detached for so many years; it was all Bhagavan's Grace.
One Amavasya (new moon day) all the Ashram
inmates were sitting down for breakfast in the dining
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room. I was standing and looking on. Bhagavan asked
me to sit down for breakfast. I said that I had to perform
my late father's ceremony on that day and would eat
nothing (Usually the ceremonies are done to enable the
ancestors to go to heaven). Bhagavan retorted that my
father was already in heaven and there was nothing more
to be done for him. My taking breakfast would not hurt
him in any way. I still hesitated, accustomed as I was to
age-old tradition. Bhagavan got up, made me sit down
and eat some rice cakes. From that day I gave up
performing ceremonies for ancestors.
Once Chinnaswami got very cross with me and I felt
quite nervous about it. I could not eat my dinner and the
next morning, feeling unreconciled and yet hungry, I told
Bhagavan, who was preparing rice cakes, that I was in a
hurry to go to town as some pupils were waiting for me.
"The cat is out of the bag," said Bhagavan. "Today is
Sunday and there is no teaching work for you. Come, I
have prepared a special sambar for breakfast and I shall
make you taste it. Take your seat." So saying, he brought
a leaf, spread it before me, heaped it with iddilies and
sambar and, sitting by my side, started cutting jokes and
telling funny stories to make me forget my woes. How
great was Bhagavan's compassion!
My wife used to prepare some food every afternoon
and bring it to the Ashram. Bhagavan often asked her to
break this habit, but she would not. One day he said:
"This is the last time I am eating your food. Next time I
shall not." The same day Bhagavan was telling us how a
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certain dish should be prepared. The next day my wife
brought it all ready. Bhagavan remembered what he had
told her, but what could he do against her imploring look?
He tasted her food and said that it had been prepared very
well. Such was his gracious courtesy to his devotees.
My second son was lazy and not at all good at school.
The time for his final high school examinations was rapidly
approaching and the boy's sole preparation was the purchase
of a new fountain pen! He brought it to Bhagavan and
asked him to bless the pen with his touch so that it would
write the examination papers well. Bhagavan knew his
lazy ways and said that having hardly studied, he could
not expect to pass. My son replied that Bhagavan's blessings
were more effective than studies. Bhagavan laughed, wrote
a few words with the new pen and gave it back to him.
And the boy did pass, which was a miracle indeed!
In those days I was attending to the foreign
correspondence of the Ashram. I used to show Bhagavan
the draft of every reply, get his approval, give it the final
shape and despatch it. We used to receive some very
intelligent and intricate questions. These questions and
the answers would have formed a very enlightening
volume.1
Once I got a job offer in another town which carried
a good pay. I intimated my consent and received an
appointment order by wire. I showed the wire to
Bhagavan. "All right, go," he said. Even before I left the
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hall, I felt gloom settling over me and I started shivering
and complained in my grief: "Forty years I have been
with Bhagavan and now I am going away. What shall I do
away from Bhagavan?"
"How long have you been with Bhagavan?" Bhagavan
asked.
"Forty years."
Then, turning to the devotees, Bhagavan said, "Here
is someone who has been listening to my teaching for
forty years and now says he is going somewhere away
from Bhagavan!" Nevertheless, the job fell through.
Once I wrote two verses in Tamil, one in praise of
the Lord without attributes, the other of the Lord with
numberless forms. In the latter I wrote: "From whom
grace is flowing over the sentient and insentient."
Bhagavan asked me to change one letter and this altered
the meaning to: "who directs his grace to the sentient and
the insentient." The idea was that grace was not a mere
influence but could be directed with a purpose where it
was needed most.
Bhagavan gave us a tangible demonstration of God's
omnipotence, omniscience and omnipresence. Our sense
of `I' would burn up in wonder and adoration on seeing
his unconditional love for all beings. Though outwardly
we seemed to remain very much the same person, inwardly
he was working on us and destroying the deep roots of
separateness and self-concern. A day always comes when
the tree of `I', severed from its roots, crashes suddenly and
is no more, this is Guru's Grace!
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